Its ok to not be ok..

First post in what feel like agessss.. Ive been quiet lately.. I’m sorryyy! It’s like My mind has been taken over by this everlasting fog which is finally starting to clear! This is like my little safe haven and I really don’t know why I haven’t written sooner! There’s been sooo much going on and mostly it’s all been in my little head! Writing is what I should be doing getting it all down and out of my mind. Its quite hard to write though.. this has taken me a couple of days and some guts to post.

Recently I’ve seen a lot and I mean A LOT of people writing about their mental health struggles finally after so long and to me it’s shocking how many people actually deal with depression, anxiety and so on. 56% of the UK have a mental health issue of some description they are dealing with. I have always struggled and found it hard to talk to people about feelings etc, I’m someone that likes to make sure everyone else is ok before me, I feel embarrassed that I was feeling or felt the way I did for so long and I always felt like my problems were never as bad as what someone else had already gone or was going through so what was giving me the right to burden them with me and my worries. 

When you find out your pregnant it’s meant to be the most happy time for you and your partner, don’t get me wrong I literally cannot wait for little man to join our family and be loved so much but I definitely found the whole pregnancy thing harder this time round. I had feelings of guilt, isolation and loneliness. I shouldn’t but it was/is hard. I have the most loving boyfriend, amazing family and most special friends who care about me so much i just felt that somehow this would make them think of me differently or think I was overreacting and being stupid. It's  just so hard to get out of the way you are feeling and even explain why when you don’t speak about how you feel or let anyone know what’s going on. It may seem like someone has everything and nothing to be down about but you never know what’s going on behind that smile. 

I realised I needed to do something about it when I was finding it hard to get out of bed, be motivated at work and do things I enjoy like spend time with friends or even just going out in general. I let everything get to me and just wanted to stay indoors. I went out because I knew Albie needed to get out. Eating was becoming an issue I wouldn’t really bother I only did because I knew this little bubba in my tummy needed something. Nothing means more to me in this world than my children and they need a happy healthy mumma. Ash also needs a good positive girlfriend, I mean don’t get me wrong pregnancy hormones are a bitch and I won’t be happy all the time but you can still try.  This has been going on for a few years now, I was on medication which helped but for me all it did was mask them feelings of anxiety, depression and panic. I wanted to do something without having to medicate so went to the doctors who decided we needed to lay everything out on the table and go from there. It was the best thing I could have done. He suggested some time off work to get my head straight, relax and have some time where my life wasn’t consumed with work, home, sleep. They suggested some talking therapy which hasn’t started yet but one of my best friends has stepped up and despite her problems just told me to go for it and let it all out.. it’s helped so much as she checks in all the time even if I just want to moan or winge about something so silly she doesn’t care. I took some time to do things that make me happy spending time with family, friends, going shopping or even just spending sometime outside for a walk with albie. Fresh air is a wonderful thing! Can’t say I’m a fan of this heat at nearly 6 months pregnant though! 

I just urge anyone that is feeling down, depressed, lower mood than usual TALK TO SOMEONE. No matter how big or small you think your problem is someone will always want to listen and help as much as you might think they don’t. Pregnant or not Mental health is serious and it affects so many people in different ways. Someone loves you and they want to help. I haven’t written this for sympathy I just find it easier to write things down than let them play on my mind. I’m finally back to work and it’s the best thing for me to get my head back into it all and i can't fault them they have been so supportive and completely understanding. I hope this post just gives someone a nudge to do something if they need help. I’m just coming up to 6 months pregnant now and feel like I’m taking the right step in helping myself so I hope you can too. 

Lots of Love 

xxx

This is who im doing it for, my world. Making me smile everyday even when its a bad day.